Young Thoughts: Teach me...

On this particular day I was so excited, I was invited to a dear friend’s Bible study group to hear a special speaker. I border on envy and gratitude for my friend’s group. I long for a group like her’s with a leader that is not afraid to confront lies and to embrace truth. I am grateful that my friend is one of the most honest and candid people though. She shares everything she learns with me and lives in a way that I am reminded that I have exactly what God knows I need. Back to the story. I hurry and pick out a cute outfit, fix my hair and make up just so (all the time reminding myself that this day is not about me, haha) , dress the kids, and run out the door. I’m panting by the time I drop my kids off with my mother in law. Anxious, because I realize that I’ve run out the door without directions and without a cell phone. Anxious really because I have to ask for help (hate that) and I’m pretty sure I won’t be on time (hate that too). I use my mother in law’s phone to call for directions and I’m on my way, still excited because I have so many questions and for some reason I think I will find answers there. I get to my destination already worn out, but at the same time vulnerable and hopeful. The speaker turns out to be a witty eighty something year old woman. Funny, not what I expected. The girls there are pretty much like me not overly nice, but definitely welcoming. That was a relief because I had built them up in my mind to be, well perfect. I still felt nervous as I sat down to listen. Wondering, will I would hear what I’m supposed to hear, and will I speak if I’m supposed to speak? The sweet old lady told story after story rambling on and on… I liked her and the more she talked the more I thought she had something to say that was worth listening to. I’m used to speeches with 3 main points, a few filler jokes, and a perfected intro and ending, this was more of a one-sided conversation. She said some things that I will carry with me, but by far the part that struck me the most was near the end of our time together. You know the anxiety I talked about on the way there? That is how I feel a lot of the time. In my head I want to be on time, I want to be prepared, I want to say the right thing, I want to have it together, I want to be right… Yea, I want to be right all the time. But, why? When question time came I felt a tugging that I used to feel when I was young and about to ask a silly question that I thought everyone else knew the answer to. I had come to learn so I mustered up my strength, held my breath so I wouldn’t cry and prepared myself for a lecture about pride, I asked “Why do I always have to be right?”. The first words out her mouth? “Honey you don’t have to prove yourself”. I was almost mad, why is she feeling sorry for me? Everyone is always feeling sorry for me. About that time there was a faint whisper in my ear, "she is trying to help you just listen!". It felt like I had to force my ears open to listen, but I really did learn something that day. The truth is I am trying to prove myself over and over again. And every time I fail to be this imaginary person I’m trying to be I hate who I really am even more. Afterwards the girls were still really nice even though I had exposed myself (smile). On the way home I felt so accepted and really full. You know like I had showed the high school cheerleaders my biggest zit and they had still liked me. Ha, ha. Why does it feel so good to be accepted by men? I struggle with that… But that day God reminded me in such a loving way that he has accepted me (zits and all). If it feels so great to be accepted by a couple of girls just like myself then how does it feel to be loved and accepted by the God of the Universe? Why would I need to be anxious if no matter my failures I am still accepted by Him? He knows where I’m going and when I’m going to get there. So there is no need to try to control things when He has such precious meetings like these all ready in the works for me. And no, my life is not going to look like my friend’s life and I should be relieved, He is going to work in me in a way cannot fathom. Oh God, help me to remember your lessons and press into You only. Then my life, may I be early or on time, prepared or in a mess, will be all about You and I will finally be happy, rested, and not anxious and it will be to Your glory.

Other points from the meeting: