More on the new house and my heart

We are in our house. What a blessing, we love the neighborhood, the area, the school, and of course the house. We are doing some renovations and it has prevented us from unpacking the majority of the house, so we’ve been living in a disaster area for the last 2 weeks. My one year old is determined (and I do mean determined) to get electrocuted by the exposed outlets, swallow the loose screws, climb into the fireplace, pull down all the paper over the windows… And we are all tired of living out of boxes, at the mall, eating out… This is my confession, it is so easy for me to stand in the middle of the house look around and start to panic. I see all the mess, I feel all the aches of moving, I have all the worries of being unsettled and THEN here it comes, instead of praying and begging to see what God has for me I start pointing and looking around. I say “ there are people all across the world that would LOVE to be in my shoes, what gives me the right to complain?” Unfortunately this is not a prayer that comes from a heart full of mercy, instead mine is full of pride. Much like the prayer of the Pharisee in Luke 18:9. My heart is full of religion one that abides by moral law and not by grace. Basically, I’m saying don’t help me God, I need to do this myself, help those that are really sick, really weak, not me I’m too good and strong for your help. I love how Rose Miller explains religious moralism in her book, From Fear to Freedom…

Religious moralism is rooted in the power of will and self. Eventually it fails and we act like orphans: frightened, insecure people who need to be in control. We might be able to analyze of problems, but we cannot invent a cure. (and so we are left with our heads spinning, lost in the problem totally unable to see Hope)

Ok, this writing thing really helps me, I’m getting so excited. You what this means!? It’s all a facade! That’s right you know order, control, it’s not true, even though sometimes it seems like maybe I have some I really don’t. But I have Jesus (or He has me) and where I just analyze (can I even do that?) , He will CHANGE (my heart or whatever He sees fit)! Forget the house change my heart! Ok, my balloon has been popped… The room has stopped spinning and I’m realizing once again that He died for Me, ornery self righteous me. Today has suddenly turned into a beautiful day, wow…

Not Okay!

I’m reading Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands by Paul Tripp and I had to share this paragraph. I love hearing that it’s okay not to be okay.

“The grace that adopts me into Christ’s family is not a grace that says I am okay. In fact, the Bible is clear that God extends his grace to me because I am everything but okay. As we enter God’s family, we are in need of radical personal change. God’s acceptance is not a call to relax, but a call to work. Paul says in Titus 2:11-12, ‘For the grace of God that brings salvation has appeared to all men. It teaches us to say “No” to ungodliness and worldly passions, and to live self-controlled, upright and godly lives in the present age.’ The grace God extends to us is always grace leading to change. His acceptance is not the end of his work; it is the beginning! Our justification must never be separated from our sanctification. They are two parts of a seamless work of redemption.”

Starting a few years ago I felt this urge to pray and fast specifically for change. Over and over, year after year I have prayed for the same thing. The Holy Spirit’s prompting was powerful, His theme specific and although His calling was clear in my sin I filled in the blank. What needed to change? Well everything around me of course! I have been convinced that the change needed to happen in loved ones, friends, institutions, circumstances… I even have appealing data to back up why all those people and things need to change. My flesh fights the truth that I am the broken one and everything in me wants to run, even now. But, as I look back His grace is so clear. The need to pray for change was real and personal and He in His mercy was preparing me to see the darkness of my own heart. He is forever increasing my faith to stand still (instead of running in fear) and see what I am holding onto and trying to control instead of relying on Him. It’s hard concluding that I will never be ok this side of heaven and that I will always be mourning my sin. The relief is that the groaning hunger within me means that God is sanctifying me and I am His. His spirit within me cries out for Himself!

“Because you are sons, God has sent forth the Spirit of His Son into our hearts, crying, "Abba! Father!" Galatians 4:6

Head in the Trees

So I understand that I am in the center of most of my struggles. Sometimes I just get stuck thinking and analyzing myself. Lately when I feel stuck I try to head outside or look out the window at the trees. I happened on a verse in Isaiah that says the trees will clap to God. One day while driving I glanced up and sure enough the branches of each tree looked like they were clapping. Now I find myself lost in the trees... I wonder how they just stand there through rain, heat, cold, hail, good day, bad day, whatever and just clap and give glory to God.

Today was just kind of well, dull. I feel bad about saying that as a Christian. But anyways it was... Do you think doing the laundry, feeding my kids, changing diapers, loading the dishwasher, playing with the kids, holding them, listening to them... Could this be my way of clapping?

Floating

That's what I feel like sometimes, like I'm out here just floating aimlessly. I'm at the point in my life where I need permanency and a good plan. I crave a place to lay my hat for 50 years and I so want to know what to expect tomorrow or next year. Without answers my soul seems to wonder without direction and all my unanwswered question create a lot of anxiety. The Lord blessed me with several answers last week and I thought I would share two of them. The first was the Easter Message given by Matt Chandler at the Village where he answered the question, "why we exist". The Lord really used it to change things in me, maybe He will do the same for you. The other was a verse in Hebrews 6:19

"This hope we have as an anchor of the soul, a hope both sure and steadfast and one which enters within the veil..."

The hope is based on God's promise to Abraham. The promises God makes in the Old Testament are fulfilled in the New through Jesus Christ. After a lot of waiting, living and dieing, everything God said would happen actually happened. Through the fulfillment of these promises we have hope. My Bible notes say that this anchor of hope goes up to the true sanctuary where we are actually moored to God.

I am not floating, I can make no mistakes that are going to mess up God's plan, He has a reason that I am here now and He knows what tomorrow will bring. There are no accidents and there is no such thing as coincidence. God is completing sovereign and completely good. This is my hope and it is the anchor in which my soul can rest.

Teach me...

On this particular day I was so excited, I was invited to a dear friend’s Bible study group to hear a special speaker. I border on envy and gratitude for my friend’s group. I long for a group like her’s with a leader that is not afraid to confront lies and to embrace truth. I am grateful that my friend is one of the most honest and candid people though. She shares everything she learns with me and lives in a way that I am reminded that I have exactly what God knows I need. Back to the story. I hurry and pick out a cute outfit, fix my hair and make up just so (all the time reminding myself that this day is not about me, haha) , dress the kids, and run out the door. I’m panting by the time I drop my kids off with my mother in law. Anxious, because I realize that I’ve run out the door without directions and without a cell phone. Anxious really because I have to ask for help (hate that) and I’m pretty sure I won’t be on time (hate that too). I use my mother in law’s phone to call for directions and I’m on my way, still excited because I have so many questions and for some reason I think I will find answers there. I get to my destination already worn out, but at the same time vulnerable and hopeful. The speaker turns out to be a witty eighty something year old woman. Funny, not what I expected. The girls there are pretty much like me not overly nice, but definitely welcoming. That was a relief because I had built them up in my mind to be, well perfect. I still felt nervous as I sat down to listen. Wondering, will I would hear what I’m supposed to hear, and will I speak if I’m supposed to speak? The sweet old lady told story after story rambling on and on… I liked her and the more she talked the more I thought she had something to say that was worth listening to. I’m used to speeches with 3 main points, a few filler jokes, and a perfected intro and ending, this was more of a one-sided conversation. She said some things that I will carry with me, but by far the part that struck me the most was near the end of our time together. You know the anxiety I talked about on the way there? That is how I feel a lot of the time. In my head I want to be on time, I want to be prepared, I want to say the right thing, I want to have it together, I want to be right… Yea, I want to be right all the time. But, why? When question time came I felt a tugging that I used to feel when I was young and about to ask a silly question that I thought everyone else knew the answer to. I had come to learn so I mustered up my strength, held my breath so I wouldn’t cry and prepared myself for a lecture about pride, I asked “Why do I always have to be right?”. The first words out her mouth? “Honey you don’t have to prove yourself”. I was almost mad, why is she feeling sorry for me? Everyone is always feeling sorry for me. About that time there was a faint whisper in my ear, "she is trying to help you just listen!". It felt like I had to force my ears open to listen, but I really did learn something that day. The truth is I am trying to prove myself over and over again. And every time I fail to be this imaginary person I’m trying to be I hate who I really am even more. Afterwards the girls were still really nice even though I had exposed myself (smile). On the way home I felt so accepted and really full. You know like I had showed the high school cheerleaders my biggest zit and they had still liked me. Ha, ha. Why does it feel so good to be accepted by men? I struggle with that… But that day God reminded me in such a loving way that he has accepted me (zits and all). If it feels so great to be accepted by a couple of girls just like myself then how does it feel to be loved and accepted by the God of the Universe? Why would I need to be anxious if no matter my failures I am still accepted by Him? He knows where I’m going and when I’m going to get there. So there is no need to try to control things when He has such precious meetings like these all ready in the works for me. And no, my life is not going to look like my friend’s life and I should be relieved, He is going to work in me in a way cannot fathom. Oh God, help me to remember your lessons and press into You only. Then my life, may I be early or on time, prepared or in a mess, will be all about You and I will finally be happy, rested, and not anxious and it will be to Your glory.

Other points from the meeting:

• Comparing yourself to others is the work of the Devil


• Learn something from everyone (if an 80 year old can say this we should listen)


• People will learn from your weaknesses, not your strengths

Honestly...

It is so hard for me to be honest. I feel like if anyone were to ask me a question I would survey my environment, contemplate how I should feel, and then check to see if that would hurt any one's feelings and only then would I give a shallow, partially true (at best) answer. I have been trying to be right instead of truthful for so long that I have lost part of myself. Will I ever have the courage and the words to just be honest?